As I write this, I’m feeling overwhelmed – even just by tackling this topic! My mom’s care needs are increasing, so much so, that my needs, responsibilities, self care and care for my son and home are left in the dust. Somehow, this is also triggering a resurgence of trauma and grief! Why does it pour, when it rains in life?
My mom needs the help so that is a priority for me. I’m starting to get phone calls in the middle of the night from her! So, I definitely have had to lower my standards on so many things in my life because I’m tired and busy. In fact, I’ve had quite a bit of company drop by this week and I literally said F*** it to the cleanliness of my house. I know there might be some minor judgement, they may not say anything, but it will be there, but that’s okay! In the big scheme of things, it does not matter!
A couple of my guests were very sweet, and praised me on just about everything which was just as powerful as two therapy sessions in one!!! Love them for this! The fact that my house is still standing on its foundation is a ‘win’ for me, so it’s great that people notice other things and give me a bit of a boost! All of this is hard work and mostly done by myself, so it’s nice to be recognized, not criticized! I can’t do everything at once, even though other’s might be able to do that.
So what’s on the go this week? A lot! I actually tried to list it all off in this paragraph but it was overwhelming (haha). Suffice to say there are many appointments and errands to do for my mom including a bathtub renovation into a shower that I need to be present for. Did I tell you that I also had my own appointments and errands to do? And…some where in all of this I have to do laundry, dishes, meals, groceries, banking and some of my profession related work.
Can I do it all? Of course I can and I will! Do I resent it? Absolutely! Why do I resent it? Because this used to be shared by two people- the work, the frustration, the juggling act! Now it’s just been me for the last three years and I am tired and bored of this monotony. I should be looking at retiring and dreaming of some kind of future but instead I’m living day to day and trying not to think about the fact that I will likely have to work longer than the people in my circle, a circle that I don’t actually fit into anymore.
Is this a pity party? It may have started out that way but now I realize that it isn’t. I don’t want pity, just an understanding that even the most simple things that need to get done can be very difficult because there are so many other things that have to be done! Telling me that I should do something else, actually triggers anxiety and shame.
I can’t help but think that I’m not the only one feeling this way. There are so many people in this world that struggle, with less than I have and with greater issues. I feel embarrassed thinking about what some other people have to endure and here I am, complaining again. But one thing that I have learned through this journey of grief and trauma is that it’s okay to have your own feelings and to vent. In fact, it’s very healthy to do so. Being human, means having feelings. So as I sit here and think about my own life and vent, I also find gratitude for so many people and things that help me get through each and every day. And for that, I am very lucky!
How to Live After a Loss 